Run Jenni, Run











{May 25, 2013}   05.27.2013 – RAD

Today I completed the Color Me Rad 5k in Tampa, Florida.  Not only does this mark my first 5k of the year; it also marks my first 5k of the summer.  With all these races coming up, it;s time to get serious about my commitment to fitness.  When I say commitment, I don’t mean shoving myself in the living room to do a workout DVD that I dread doing.  I mean committing to do something active every day…something that I love.

Starting next week I will be able to go to yoga at least three times a week.  I skipped last week due to a cookout with some friends, so I will be able to use my last two trips this week on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Then, I am paying for the 30-Day pass on Friday once I get paid.  I think that yoga will give me a new appreciation for my body due to the fact that I am more able than I seem.  I need to get back to running hills, but my therapy appointments have taken my inertia away once I’m done talking about everything I have dealt with in a week.  I need to push myself to run right after my appointment and meet up with them once they start, or just find someplace that will give me energy during the hour of waiting for running club to start.

I just want to get back to the way I was.  I know I write a post complaining about the person I used to be at least once a week these days and the only one to blame for that is myself, I just wish I could find the strength to look past the trials and just say “fuck it” and reach my goals.  Part of me doesn’t even want to do it anymore.  I keep wanting to fast forward to the part of my life where it all makes sense, but I’m starting to doubt if that part ever comes.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{May 22, 2013}   05.22.2013 – Nine Days

Nine more days of school!  Yay!!

I am definitely ready to get my two-month break started.  It’s not REALLY a break because I will be volunteering the majority of the summer for a summer Preschool program, but it still will be a break from my actual job and an exploration into what I really want to do with my life.  I am still waiting on my Professional Education Test results, so I am just waiting for that.  I am less and less nervous about it, so I am okay with not knowing my results just yet.  I am hoping that the results come before my PreK test so that I can have a full answer by the time I take that test on whether I can start majorly searching for jobs or not.

In terms of workouts, I am learning to accept my ability to do any form of activity.  Yesterday, I had a run planned, but I ended up doing soccer drills ith Luke for the afternoon because I was on his side of town instead of mine.  I enjoyed myself, and I got in a decent workout.  Today I have soccer planned and my yoga class.  It’s hard to get me to not go to yoga.  I cannot wait until I can spring for the unlimited pass next month.

Hope you all are having a great week!  I’ll update more on food choices later.  It’s a learning process and I am definitely adding more fruits and veggies.  It’s just difficult to go about it without weighing myself every day and counting calories like it’s going out of style.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{May 13, 2013}   05.13.2013 – Part Two

I am having a bad day.  I’m unhappy, and I don’t know what would make me happy again.  Well, I do know what would make me happy, but it feels entirely unattainable at this point.  

I can remember when I could get on a scale and it would say 185.  I was happy at that weight.  It may have been a completely fucked up and emotionally disturbing time in my life, but that number meant everything to me.  Because that number was the result of a journey that was several years in the making.  That was me at 100 pounds less than I was in high school.  And I would give anything to get that number back.  And that sentence scares me.  Feeling the need to do anything to get a number back seems a bit ridiculous.  And more so than feeling ridiculous, it is causing an internal battle with myself.

I don’t know how to do moderate.  I have always been the type of person who is highly restrictive in her eating habits or binges on every sweet that she can get her hands on.  And I feel like that is how I have been living for the past several years.  I’ll restrict, restrict, restrict, until I can’t take it anymore and I end up eating an entire cake by myself.  And I laugh it off, and my friends laugh it off, and my family says “that’s just the way you’re made” or “you just need to splurge every now and then”.  But that isn’t healthy for me.  Going from 1000 calories one day to upwards of 3000 the next is dangerously unhealthy, and I’m getting to where I’ll do it on a normal basis.

I was so happy when I went to the doctor because I thought that finally someone would see the problems that I’m going through without me having to spell them out.  I was all set up to find a nutritionist that was going to help me figure out my bad eating habits and get me on track to having a healthy relationship with food.  And then Insurance got in the way.  “You cannot have a visit to a nutritionist through our company covered since you have a wellness program set up through your employer”.  I hid it, but I was crushed.  and I know that my therapist would say crushed is an “irrational” word, but that is how I felt.  I covered it up with finding the fitness program for the summer through the school board, but I really hated that I could not get the one thing I thought I really needed.

And now I’m stuck,

I am working through therapy, but I’m not feeling any better about my appearance.  I can read self-help and diet books until I’ve spent my life savings on them, but nothing seems to help.  I feel broken and all I want to do is cry because as much as I am putting on a facade of eating healthy and trying to lose weight, nothing is happening.  As much as I exude “confidence”, if there has been any movement on the scale it has been in a upward direction.  And I’ve given the muscle weighs more than fat talk as many times as I have received it, and I just feel like it does not apply in this case.  I have excess fat to lose.  I have lost it before.  So, it’s not muscle.  It’s just more fat.  

It’s so hard to change when you have all the answers, you just don’t know how to use them. I feel like I am so good at motivating others.  I can remember last summer when someone came up to me after a race and they told me I was their “timer”.  I was the person that motivated them to keep running.  When they wanted to stop, they were focused on trying to pass me.  That is kickass.  Now all I can think about is what they would think if they ran a race with me now.  After the ending of my relationship last summer I just kind of let myself go.  I didn’t go as far as some other people do when they end relationships, but I lost my fitness.  I lost my 33 minute 5k time.  I’ve gained close to 40 pounds.  And I never saw the problem while it was happening because I was hiding behind vices.  It’s easy to convince yourself tht nothing is wrong when you have people telling you that you’re beautiful…even if it is for the wrong reasons.  

Now I have a good relationship.  I have a great relationship with a guy that is pushing me to be better.  I just wish I believed him when he told me I was beautiful.  Sure, I have days where I believe it.  I just wish that I could believe it every time.  

Later Days,

-Jenni.



I am feeling my case of the Mondays, and I am hoping this weather clears up by tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait until Summer really kicks into high-gear.  As a Floridian, we don’t really ghet a Spring, so it’s Summer and Less-Like-Summer.  While I have enjoyed cooler temperatures, I am tired of the rain. 

This week, I am not only trying to stay on track with my exercise, but I am implementing healthier eating back into the program.  As much as I hate keeping track of my food with journals and calorie-couting, it’s the only way that I can effectively lose weight.  so while it may not be as measured as before, I am going to start journaling my food again.  Blegh.

Workout Set-Up for o5/13-05/19

Monday- 30 Day Shred, Levels one and two; Soccer Drills 

Tuesday- 30 Day Shred, Level two; Run

Wednesday- Soccer Drills with mini-workout; Flow Yoga

Thursday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice through); Hill Run

Friday- 30 Day Shred, Level two, twice

Saturday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice or adding second DVD workout); Run

Sunday- 30 Day Shred, Levels two and three; Soccer Drills

I am boring today.  And hungry.  I’m hungry.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Two days into 30 Day Shred and my legs are feeling it, for sure.  I was impressed that I had the ability to run as much as I did last night.  The boyfriend is actually finding ways to encourage me without making me feel so bad about being slow as snails.  I finished a 5k course in around 40 minutes, which is widely attributed to the fact that I cannot run fast and I need to invest in new running shoes.  These are over a year old and definitely out of commission.

Tonight will consist of some simple soccer drills and a flow yoga class that I am more than looking forward to this week.  I didn’t make it to the class last week, so I’m definitely feeling a little less than zen.  Surprisingly, I have been in a better mood this week.  I’m sure that can be contributed to the exercise that I have shoved back into my daily routine, but it’s always nice to feel better about where my life is headed. 

My second test for teaching certification is this Friday, and I am anxious and excited.  I am trying to stay confident about doing well on the test, but I really haven’t study as much as I could have in the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully all will go well.  I have been getting a good amount of “hands-on” teaching experience, so hopefully that will be reflected in my test scores.

The rest of this week consists of a lot of 30 Day Shred and a lot of running (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).  Friday I might go for more walking than running, but it’s all in how I feel when the time comes. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.

 



et cetera