Run Jenni, Run











{May 13, 2013}   05.13.2013 – Part Two

I am having a bad day.  I’m unhappy, and I don’t know what would make me happy again.  Well, I do know what would make me happy, but it feels entirely unattainable at this point.  

I can remember when I could get on a scale and it would say 185.  I was happy at that weight.  It may have been a completely fucked up and emotionally disturbing time in my life, but that number meant everything to me.  Because that number was the result of a journey that was several years in the making.  That was me at 100 pounds less than I was in high school.  And I would give anything to get that number back.  And that sentence scares me.  Feeling the need to do anything to get a number back seems a bit ridiculous.  And more so than feeling ridiculous, it is causing an internal battle with myself.

I don’t know how to do moderate.  I have always been the type of person who is highly restrictive in her eating habits or binges on every sweet that she can get her hands on.  And I feel like that is how I have been living for the past several years.  I’ll restrict, restrict, restrict, until I can’t take it anymore and I end up eating an entire cake by myself.  And I laugh it off, and my friends laugh it off, and my family says “that’s just the way you’re made” or “you just need to splurge every now and then”.  But that isn’t healthy for me.  Going from 1000 calories one day to upwards of 3000 the next is dangerously unhealthy, and I’m getting to where I’ll do it on a normal basis.

I was so happy when I went to the doctor because I thought that finally someone would see the problems that I’m going through without me having to spell them out.  I was all set up to find a nutritionist that was going to help me figure out my bad eating habits and get me on track to having a healthy relationship with food.  And then Insurance got in the way.  “You cannot have a visit to a nutritionist through our company covered since you have a wellness program set up through your employer”.  I hid it, but I was crushed.  and I know that my therapist would say crushed is an “irrational” word, but that is how I felt.  I covered it up with finding the fitness program for the summer through the school board, but I really hated that I could not get the one thing I thought I really needed.

And now I’m stuck,

I am working through therapy, but I’m not feeling any better about my appearance.  I can read self-help and diet books until I’ve spent my life savings on them, but nothing seems to help.  I feel broken and all I want to do is cry because as much as I am putting on a facade of eating healthy and trying to lose weight, nothing is happening.  As much as I exude “confidence”, if there has been any movement on the scale it has been in a upward direction.  And I’ve given the muscle weighs more than fat talk as many times as I have received it, and I just feel like it does not apply in this case.  I have excess fat to lose.  I have lost it before.  So, it’s not muscle.  It’s just more fat.  

It’s so hard to change when you have all the answers, you just don’t know how to use them. I feel like I am so good at motivating others.  I can remember last summer when someone came up to me after a race and they told me I was their “timer”.  I was the person that motivated them to keep running.  When they wanted to stop, they were focused on trying to pass me.  That is kickass.  Now all I can think about is what they would think if they ran a race with me now.  After the ending of my relationship last summer I just kind of let myself go.  I didn’t go as far as some other people do when they end relationships, but I lost my fitness.  I lost my 33 minute 5k time.  I’ve gained close to 40 pounds.  And I never saw the problem while it was happening because I was hiding behind vices.  It’s easy to convince yourself tht nothing is wrong when you have people telling you that you’re beautiful…even if it is for the wrong reasons.  

Now I have a good relationship.  I have a great relationship with a guy that is pushing me to be better.  I just wish I believed him when he told me I was beautiful.  Sure, I have days where I believe it.  I just wish that I could believe it every time.  

Later Days,

-Jenni.

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I am feeling my case of the Mondays, and I am hoping this weather clears up by tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait until Summer really kicks into high-gear.  As a Floridian, we don’t really ghet a Spring, so it’s Summer and Less-Like-Summer.  While I have enjoyed cooler temperatures, I am tired of the rain. 

This week, I am not only trying to stay on track with my exercise, but I am implementing healthier eating back into the program.  As much as I hate keeping track of my food with journals and calorie-couting, it’s the only way that I can effectively lose weight.  so while it may not be as measured as before, I am going to start journaling my food again.  Blegh.

Workout Set-Up for o5/13-05/19

Monday- 30 Day Shred, Levels one and two; Soccer Drills 

Tuesday- 30 Day Shred, Level two; Run

Wednesday- Soccer Drills with mini-workout; Flow Yoga

Thursday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice through); Hill Run

Friday- 30 Day Shred, Level two, twice

Saturday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice or adding second DVD workout); Run

Sunday- 30 Day Shred, Levels two and three; Soccer Drills

I am boring today.  And hungry.  I’m hungry.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Sometimes I get bored and plan out my entire workout schedule through the end of the year… and that happened this morning. 

Due to wedding dates, I have had to give up on a few races and change around a few plans.  It actually has not been as mentally difficult as I expected it to be and I am mostly glad that I realized I needed to change dates before I had paid for the races.  I still have somthing to do every month, but it’s definitely a change from the original.  My new race list still includes the Watermelon Series over the summer and the Aching Quad for my birthday, but I have cut down the October race from the Living Dead Challenge to just the Frakenfooter half marathon on October 27.  November will be changes from the Lake to Lake 10k to a mud race.  I finally found one that is nearby and not a ridiculous amount of money (in my opinion, anyways).  For December I cut out the second half marathon and am just planning for the one in Orlando the first weekend of the month.  It’s a slightly easier schedule and it allows for a little more free time to play aournd with other workout plans.

I am still planning on adding some random gym time in the summer due to a free membership as a perk of being a School Board employee.  The only priority of this will be the Wednesday Nutrition and Fitness classes.  I do have plans to visit the gym, but this summer will be focused on improving my 5k time and working through a few DVD programs.  As previously mentioned, May is dedicated to 30 Day Shred.  So far, I am definitely feeling it, but actual results remain to be seen.  In June I am upping the stakes with two DVD programs: Six Week Six Pack and Ripped in 30.  I will be working on Level One of Six Week Six Pack for the enire month of June, then moving up to Level Two during July.  Once July hits, I will finish up Ripped in 30 and dedicate more time to my free gym pass and yoga.  August will consist of a lot of Bob Harper as I alternete his Pure Strength workout with his Kettlebell workout to add in some strength that does not involve the gym.  August will also mark the point at which I add in more yoga to my routine, adding Monday and Friday evenings to my yofa class load.  By October I will be in full running mode, planning for the half marathon at the end of the month.  At this point, I am going to evealuate my fitness level.  If I decide I am well enough, both physically and mentally, I am planning to attempt Insanity for the third time.  If I start at the end of October, I will be able to complete the entire program by December 31, 2013… which is a great way to start off the new year. 

As always, this is subject to change according to ability and functionality… but I am hoping this plan sticks. 

 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Two days into 30 Day Shred and my legs are feeling it, for sure.  I was impressed that I had the ability to run as much as I did last night.  The boyfriend is actually finding ways to encourage me without making me feel so bad about being slow as snails.  I finished a 5k course in around 40 minutes, which is widely attributed to the fact that I cannot run fast and I need to invest in new running shoes.  These are over a year old and definitely out of commission.

Tonight will consist of some simple soccer drills and a flow yoga class that I am more than looking forward to this week.  I didn’t make it to the class last week, so I’m definitely feeling a little less than zen.  Surprisingly, I have been in a better mood this week.  I’m sure that can be contributed to the exercise that I have shoved back into my daily routine, but it’s always nice to feel better about where my life is headed. 

My second test for teaching certification is this Friday, and I am anxious and excited.  I am trying to stay confident about doing well on the test, but I really haven’t study as much as I could have in the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully all will go well.  I have been getting a good amount of “hands-on” teaching experience, so hopefully that will be reflected in my test scores.

The rest of this week consists of a lot of 30 Day Shred and a lot of running (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).  Friday I might go for more walking than running, but it’s all in how I feel when the time comes. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.

 



I am trying so hard to be happy, you have to believe me.  I am trying to center myself and make choices that are going to make me smile, but it’s just so hard.  I do have the Taylor Swift album streaming, which is giving me some good feels, but not many.  Hopefully this afternoon will turn me in a more positive direction.

I am supposed to be volunteering at Fitniche this evening as we prepare for Mayfaire by the Lake on Saturday.  It’s an evening race, and I am looking forward to being someone cheering on all the finishers on Saturday night.  I am also looking forward to two yoga session this weekend…one on Wednesday night and then Karma Yoga on Sunday morning.  My regular Tuesday and Thursday runs are also going ot be making a comeback this week.  I also might add in 30-Day Shred in the afternoons, just to give me an extra little aerobic push.  I wish I had the gusto to wake up early and do it before work..but no.

I do better when I am fit, so that is my mantra for this week.  I must remember that fitness equals happiness. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 29, 2013}   04.29.2013 – Long-Term Goals

I took some time today to come up with a “wish list” of sorts for my fitness aspirations.  Many of these fitness goals are only held back by funding for the event, others are events that will require a higher endurance level than I currently hold, or an ability to swim that I do not currently maintain.

Fitness Goals to Achieve Before 30

1. Participate in Tough Mudder

2. Participate in the Spartan Race

3. Participate in the Horrible Hundred in Clermont

4. Complete the GoRuck Challenge

5. Complete a Half IronMan

6. Take Part in a Healthy Living Summit

7. Participate in the Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon in St. Pete AND in Las Vegas

8. Compete in a Multi-Run weekend

9. Participate in a 50k

10. Participate in a CrossFit workout

11. Learn how to swim (might need to do that BEFORE the IronMan)

12. Become a Yoga Instructor

13. Particpate in the US Running With the Bulls

 

While it’s a basic list, there are some pretty high asprations on this list for me.  I am in the process of completing at least two of these by the end of 2013.  I turn 30 in Spetember of 2019, so I’ve got time…but I’m sure it will go by faster than I think. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 18, 2013}   04.18.2013 – What to Do?

I am no good without a plan.  And while I have a tendency to over plan, I need something to look forward to each week.  I need something that I know is on my list of things to do that will make me desire to eat healthier.  Because I am faced with this dilemma, I am starting back at my running clubs.  Running was my first exercise live, and I need to reunite with it.

I hoped this day would come.  I fell out of love with running at the beginning of this year.  I was consumed with going to the gym every day and seeing the results that every other person sees.  But I was craving the wrong things and having a lot of disordered eating troubles, so I did not see the significant changes that I dreamed of.  And I remember my body feeling better when I was part of my weekly runs.  I can’t remember what the scales said, but I do remember feeling like my body was working with me rather than against me.

Of course, I could never cut out the gym completely.  I am looking forward to focus on simple strength training with a few compound moves two to three times a week.  I don’t want to overdo it to the point that I’m feeling lethargic on run days, which is what I think happened in the beginning of the year.

I am trying not to look too far into the future, but I am thinking of adding crossfit and yoga to the mix.  My main focus right now is to spend at least a few weeks, and possibly a month, getting used to a routine of just running and going to the gym.    I have a million ideas running through my head for all the different races I have planned (I’ve found a more economic cluster to keep me racing at least once a month until the end of October), but I need to work on the baby steps that will get me successfully to my goals.  I don’t wanna burn out like I did last time I was trying to train for a half-marathon.

My runs as of right now will include a 5k route on Tuesday evenings, a Hill workout on Thursday evenings, and a 3-mile run on Saturday mornings.  These are all with different groups throughout Lakeland, and I’m hoping the people will overlap.  I love my Thursday Hills group that I’ve been a part of for a couple of years, but the other two will be completely new to me.

More updates later.  Looking forward to my return to Hills tonight…even if I only get through one or two before I pass out.  I know the group will drag me back to the car and douse me with Gatorade.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 2, 2013}   04.02.2013 – Mega Update

First, and foremost, I passed the General Knowledge Exam!  Now, on to the Professional Education Test, which I am hoping to take around the middle of May.  Being done with math (again) is a huge weight off my shoulders and it gives me more time to focus on new fitness goals. 

I started my 85% vegetarian journey this week and it is going quite well.  I am currently trying o cut down to only having meat with one meal per day.  This might become a problem as I run low on food, but I did realize that I have more veggie burgers hanging out in my freezer than I originally thought.  Other than my lack of spending money to go towards food this month, I’m doing okay on that front.  It might be a little less fresh fruits and veggies compared to the frozen options, but I think my body will survive a month of the lesser options.  Once I’m finished with what’s in my freezer, there will be more room for the super healthy options.  I am currently reading The Kind Diet, which is more informative than I originally gave it credit.  Not only informative, I love that it is written in a positive and uplifting light, a far cry from Skinny Bitch, a book that suggests the same plant-based diet but with a sharper tongue.

Along with my vegetarian journey, I have a few fitness goals to add to my list as well. 

1. As I have already mentioned, I want to use this summer to learn how to swim.  My major goal is to start participating in triathalons, but I need to get the actual learning process out-of-the-way before I can start looking at swimming as a valid exercise.  Right now it just consists of me flapping around in the water and trying not to drown.  This goal can be reached through private swimming lessons that are offered at the Lakeland Civic Center pool.  Done and done.

2. My second goal involves investing in a bike.  In preparation for the triathalons that I hope to add to my agenda next year, I need to start focusing on biking as its own sport.  This will involve getting a bike and riding on a normal basis.  While I am living at home, I will be able to use the Fort Frasier Trail.  once I move to Winter Haven, I will be able to bike to and from the gym and my apartment.  I’m not badass enough to bike to work…and even if I could handle the distance traffic would scare me off the road. 

3.  The final goal, which I am able to start this month, is to complete the 60-Day Insanity challenge.  I have the program mapped out, starting next Thursday.  This will involve a lot more updates from me in terms of measurements, weight, and how I am feeling.  I tried the program a couple of years ago and had to stop due to my knee.  This time, I am planning to focus on what my body is telling me and taking breaks when I know I need to stop.  I am going to try to add a few gym trips a week to this plan, but just for extra cardio.  And I am planning on staying off the treadmill in order to keep my joints comfortable.

More updates to come.  I’m back in the gym for the first time in two weeks this afternoon.  Wish me luck!

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{March 21, 2013}   03.21.2013 – Better

I am happy to say that I am completely back on my feet today.  I am over the worst of the flu and back to school, which is a good change of pace from the boring that comes with being resigned to bedrest all day.  I was just thankful I was still able to get some yoga in while I wasn’t feeling 100 percent.  I was hoping to make it to the gym this afternoon, but I’m thinking that I might just call it a day after work and catch up on sleep.  While I have been getting back to normal, my parents are both still pretty sick and my dad is having a tendency to wake me up at 430 in the morning with his hour-long coughing spells.  This has me running on about 4 hours today, which is partially my fault…but ya know.

It’s obviously been a very laid back week when it comes to exercise, but I have actually remained decently healthy, especially compared to how I usually eat when I am sick.  I have upped my carb-intake, but that is something I was working on before I even got sick.  Starting refreshed next week after I’m well will definitely be in my game plan.  I have decided to cut down on sweets rather than cut them out completely.  While it is awesome, and I am impressed by anyone who can quit a food group “cold turkey”, I am not that type of eater, and I need to weed it out one small problem at a time.  My goals is to get where I have moderated my sweet intake enough that I don’t feel bad about myself when I do indulge.

Starting in April, I am considering starting Insanity again.  I think it would be a good way to round out the school year.  I would modify it a bit, probably cutting down on too much plyo, but still doing a less explosive version of the move to save my joints ant unwanted/unneeded pain, but I think I can get most of it done.  I would also still want to get at least one or two days in the gym for some alternative cardio (most likely biking, but elliptical if it fit my mood).  My main reasoning for that is I don’t want to nix my gym membership, but I don’t want to be paying $20 a month for something I never use.  If I can get at least 5-6 gym trips a month, I will feel like my money is not being wasted.  If it cost more per month I would probably put the membership on hold, but $20 isn’t too much to complain about, and I enjoy Wednesday afternoon bike ride and sauna trips.  This entire plan will be mapped out more once I get my Insanity DVDs back from my friend and after Spring Break is over.

In personal news, I am looking forward to taking the GKE next month, hopefully.  I have been studying math, which I hate.  I just need to write a few practice essays to refresh my skills and register for the test (which I will do at the beginning of April).  Hopefully, this will go as well as I am willing it to in my mind.

That’s all for now, I will try to send an update tomorrow to give an overview of Spring Break plans.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



I have lots planned for this weekend, starting with a trip to visit one of the besties as soon as school is out this afternoon.  I have been dreaming of this trip for over a month now because I have been dying to go to the beach for over a month, and the day is finally here!

Other than the beach, I will be kicking it with some other friends at a Battle of the Bands in Ybor on Saturday night.  Whether I’m crashing in Tampa that evening is undecided at this point, but it’s going to be pretty awesome.   

My eating and working out this week has been less than ideal, which is why there has been a lack of daily updates.  It wasn’t too bad, but I was trying to feed my need for sweets with carbs all week.  This has been further proof that I don’t think I could ever be burnt out on bread.  I also don’t think I could ever go on that “Gluten-Free Diet” that I’m always thinking about.

I will try to get an update in sometime this weekend, and I will definitely be on track starting next week.  It’s only two weeks before the big trip, and I am failing to reach any of my goals.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



et cetera