Run Jenni, Run











{May 13, 2013}   05.13.2013 – Part Two

I am having a bad day.  I’m unhappy, and I don’t know what would make me happy again.  Well, I do know what would make me happy, but it feels entirely unattainable at this point.  

I can remember when I could get on a scale and it would say 185.  I was happy at that weight.  It may have been a completely fucked up and emotionally disturbing time in my life, but that number meant everything to me.  Because that number was the result of a journey that was several years in the making.  That was me at 100 pounds less than I was in high school.  And I would give anything to get that number back.  And that sentence scares me.  Feeling the need to do anything to get a number back seems a bit ridiculous.  And more so than feeling ridiculous, it is causing an internal battle with myself.

I don’t know how to do moderate.  I have always been the type of person who is highly restrictive in her eating habits or binges on every sweet that she can get her hands on.  And I feel like that is how I have been living for the past several years.  I’ll restrict, restrict, restrict, until I can’t take it anymore and I end up eating an entire cake by myself.  And I laugh it off, and my friends laugh it off, and my family says “that’s just the way you’re made” or “you just need to splurge every now and then”.  But that isn’t healthy for me.  Going from 1000 calories one day to upwards of 3000 the next is dangerously unhealthy, and I’m getting to where I’ll do it on a normal basis.

I was so happy when I went to the doctor because I thought that finally someone would see the problems that I’m going through without me having to spell them out.  I was all set up to find a nutritionist that was going to help me figure out my bad eating habits and get me on track to having a healthy relationship with food.  And then Insurance got in the way.  “You cannot have a visit to a nutritionist through our company covered since you have a wellness program set up through your employer”.  I hid it, but I was crushed.  and I know that my therapist would say crushed is an “irrational” word, but that is how I felt.  I covered it up with finding the fitness program for the summer through the school board, but I really hated that I could not get the one thing I thought I really needed.

And now I’m stuck,

I am working through therapy, but I’m not feeling any better about my appearance.  I can read self-help and diet books until I’ve spent my life savings on them, but nothing seems to help.  I feel broken and all I want to do is cry because as much as I am putting on a facade of eating healthy and trying to lose weight, nothing is happening.  As much as I exude “confidence”, if there has been any movement on the scale it has been in a upward direction.  And I’ve given the muscle weighs more than fat talk as many times as I have received it, and I just feel like it does not apply in this case.  I have excess fat to lose.  I have lost it before.  So, it’s not muscle.  It’s just more fat.  

It’s so hard to change when you have all the answers, you just don’t know how to use them. I feel like I am so good at motivating others.  I can remember last summer when someone came up to me after a race and they told me I was their “timer”.  I was the person that motivated them to keep running.  When they wanted to stop, they were focused on trying to pass me.  That is kickass.  Now all I can think about is what they would think if they ran a race with me now.  After the ending of my relationship last summer I just kind of let myself go.  I didn’t go as far as some other people do when they end relationships, but I lost my fitness.  I lost my 33 minute 5k time.  I’ve gained close to 40 pounds.  And I never saw the problem while it was happening because I was hiding behind vices.  It’s easy to convince yourself tht nothing is wrong when you have people telling you that you’re beautiful…even if it is for the wrong reasons.  

Now I have a good relationship.  I have a great relationship with a guy that is pushing me to be better.  I just wish I believed him when he told me I was beautiful.  Sure, I have days where I believe it.  I just wish that I could believe it every time.  

Later Days,

-Jenni.

Advertisements


I am feeling my case of the Mondays, and I am hoping this weather clears up by tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait until Summer really kicks into high-gear.  As a Floridian, we don’t really ghet a Spring, so it’s Summer and Less-Like-Summer.  While I have enjoyed cooler temperatures, I am tired of the rain. 

This week, I am not only trying to stay on track with my exercise, but I am implementing healthier eating back into the program.  As much as I hate keeping track of my food with journals and calorie-couting, it’s the only way that I can effectively lose weight.  so while it may not be as measured as before, I am going to start journaling my food again.  Blegh.

Workout Set-Up for o5/13-05/19

Monday- 30 Day Shred, Levels one and two; Soccer Drills 

Tuesday- 30 Day Shred, Level two; Run

Wednesday- Soccer Drills with mini-workout; Flow Yoga

Thursday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice through); Hill Run

Friday- 30 Day Shred, Level two, twice

Saturday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice or adding second DVD workout); Run

Sunday- 30 Day Shred, Levels two and three; Soccer Drills

I am boring today.  And hungry.  I’m hungry.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Two days into 30 Day Shred and my legs are feeling it, for sure.  I was impressed that I had the ability to run as much as I did last night.  The boyfriend is actually finding ways to encourage me without making me feel so bad about being slow as snails.  I finished a 5k course in around 40 minutes, which is widely attributed to the fact that I cannot run fast and I need to invest in new running shoes.  These are over a year old and definitely out of commission.

Tonight will consist of some simple soccer drills and a flow yoga class that I am more than looking forward to this week.  I didn’t make it to the class last week, so I’m definitely feeling a little less than zen.  Surprisingly, I have been in a better mood this week.  I’m sure that can be contributed to the exercise that I have shoved back into my daily routine, but it’s always nice to feel better about where my life is headed. 

My second test for teaching certification is this Friday, and I am anxious and excited.  I am trying to stay confident about doing well on the test, but I really haven’t study as much as I could have in the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully all will go well.  I have been getting a good amount of “hands-on” teaching experience, so hopefully that will be reflected in my test scores.

The rest of this week consists of a lot of 30 Day Shred and a lot of running (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).  Friday I might go for more walking than running, but it’s all in how I feel when the time comes. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.

 



I am getting back on track because this free fall has gone on long enough.  I am back to my lovely workout schedule where I fit as much in as I can without dying.  I have figured my main problem last time was not amount of work I was doing, it was the amount of food I wasn’t eating.  Lack of keeping with my minimum daily caloric needs caused low energy levels and a lot of binge days where I was supplementing lost calories with entire pans of brownies and boston cream pie.  Instead, I’m going to be making my own trail mix for snacking during the day and eating nutritional meals for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  And if I want a snack, I’m going to give myself some wiggle room.  It’s better to eat a little chocolate or go buy a single-serve brownie than to cook the entire pan and eat it in one sitting…after you try to combat the craving with foods that are not satisfying and just as bad as empty calories from soda.  Really, if you aren’t enjoying what you put in your body, what’s the point?

Yesterday I started 30-Day Shred, and I am planning to finish 30 rounds of it before the end of the month of May.  This will require a few days of “doubling” or “tripling” up, but those days are coming later.  While I might have the next four months heavily planned out, including fall-back plans, I am trying to focus on just one week at a time when it comes to blogging and my actual calendar that I see when I wake up each morning. 

05-06 through 05-12

Monday: 30 Day Shred

Tuesday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Wednesday: Flow

Thursday: 30 Day Shred, Hill Run

Friday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Saturday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Sunday: 30 Day Shred, Yoga

Wednesdays will forever be known as my “Zen” day and I will only do yoga on those days unless I feel like otherwise supplementing it with a short run or bike ride.  If I end up in Winter Haven in the future I may chose to ride my bike to Yoga practice during the week.  It’s all up in the air, as I don’t want to plan too far ahead.  But I am feeling confident that everything will work out…eventually.

Later Days,

-Jenni



{April 25, 2013}   04.25.2013 – Getting Zen

I am having a love affair with yoga. 

I finally went to a Flow class yesterday evening, and I immediately fell in love with everything that is connected with Groundwork Yoga in Winter Haven.  The teacher was friendly, and fully supportive of me as I struggled through getting one or two poses perfect.  The other classmates were awesome.  It was a small class of five people, including the teacher.  Even with this small amount of people, we had someone at every level of study and flexibility.  The atmosphere of the room completely removes you from the hustle and noise going on right outside the door.  It is literally an hour and one-half of perfect zen.  It was just what I need after a week of FCAT and insomnia.  I plan to start out with just the Wednesday night Flow class, and then I will gradually add more classes until I am practicing yoga three or four times a week.  The teacher suggested that yoga would be the perfect “yin to my yang” when it came to adding it to a running routine, and I completely agree with that sentiment.  I am looking forward to exploring both areas of my life further as this year passes.

Yoga is really the only super entertaining thing happening this week.  I have started Tuesday evening runs in Lakeland, which are fun (and the boyfriend has started to join me).  I am still gaining my endurance with running.  I’ve lost most of it over the past month or so of not practicing.  As I work to get it back, I am listening to my body and not pushing myself too far too soon.  I have a lot of 5k races over the summer and the month following, and then I have a bout of half marathons from the end of October to the middle of December.  As of right now there are only three, but I might try to add another in November if it turns out I have the funds.  None of it is set in stone, but I would like to get comfortable with running thirteen miles before I looked into the big, bad marathon.

Look for an update at the latest on Sunday, but I am hoping to get one in before then.  I have a therapy consultation this afternoon, then Hills afterwards, Saturday morning Coffee Run, and  Karma Yoga on Sunday. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 18, 2013}   04.18.2013 – What to Do?

I am no good without a plan.  And while I have a tendency to over plan, I need something to look forward to each week.  I need something that I know is on my list of things to do that will make me desire to eat healthier.  Because I am faced with this dilemma, I am starting back at my running clubs.  Running was my first exercise live, and I need to reunite with it.

I hoped this day would come.  I fell out of love with running at the beginning of this year.  I was consumed with going to the gym every day and seeing the results that every other person sees.  But I was craving the wrong things and having a lot of disordered eating troubles, so I did not see the significant changes that I dreamed of.  And I remember my body feeling better when I was part of my weekly runs.  I can’t remember what the scales said, but I do remember feeling like my body was working with me rather than against me.

Of course, I could never cut out the gym completely.  I am looking forward to focus on simple strength training with a few compound moves two to three times a week.  I don’t want to overdo it to the point that I’m feeling lethargic on run days, which is what I think happened in the beginning of the year.

I am trying not to look too far into the future, but I am thinking of adding crossfit and yoga to the mix.  My main focus right now is to spend at least a few weeks, and possibly a month, getting used to a routine of just running and going to the gym.    I have a million ideas running through my head for all the different races I have planned (I’ve found a more economic cluster to keep me racing at least once a month until the end of October), but I need to work on the baby steps that will get me successfully to my goals.  I don’t wanna burn out like I did last time I was trying to train for a half-marathon.

My runs as of right now will include a 5k route on Tuesday evenings, a Hill workout on Thursday evenings, and a 3-mile run on Saturday mornings.  These are all with different groups throughout Lakeland, and I’m hoping the people will overlap.  I love my Thursday Hills group that I’ve been a part of for a couple of years, but the other two will be completely new to me.

More updates later.  Looking forward to my return to Hills tonight…even if I only get through one or two before I pass out.  I know the group will drag me back to the car and douse me with Gatorade.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Today at 3:40 in the afternoon I ate a quick PB wrap and checked my mail.

By 4:00, I was getting ready to start Insanity with a major chip on my shoulder.  The chip on my shoulder was something that someone from my past life had posted about her weight loss success.  What most people don’t connect is the fact that she has most likely reached that success in very unhealthy ways (i.e. It’s easy to lose weight when you’re spending your grocery money on drugs).

At 5:00, I collapsed in my kitchen for reasons that I am not fully aware of.  The most likely reasons include the combination of all the stress I’ve been feeling lately mixed with my decrease in calories by at least 1000 per day…and the fact that I let someone else’s life get to me.  And in reality, I am always letting someone else’s life get to me.  There is always going to be someone who has it better, someone skinnier or richer.  There is nothing I can do to change that, because even my best self is going to have an enemy.

So, I have decided to rethink my goals.  Not my major goals.  I would still like to lose weight and I would still like to get as fit as I possibly can.  But I am rethinking how I am going about doing this.  I still want to do Insanity, but it might be better to cut it down to three or so days a week.  I am not completely 100% on this change, but it’s probably going to happen whether I want to or not.

I will basically be switching to my summer workout plan before summer actually gets here.  Which is Insanity, gym, and running.  I would be throwing Hills back into the mix, which might actually help me because it would get me doing something socially again.  That was something I used to look forward to, and I let it drop away so quickly again.  It’s always the first thing I bump off my list, but then I realize that it is one of the things that I need.  In adding Hills back into the mix, I will probably need to invest in some running shoe, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  Insanity will be done Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Thursdays will be reserved for running.  The other days will be gym or some other form of fitness.  I am still planning on checking out the Karma Yoga class on Sunday, and I am hoping that will fall into my routine.  I will cross the Hot Yoga bridge when I come to it in May.  I should be straightened out by then, so I don’t see why it isn’t something I could add.  Saturday or Sunday I will probably add a run or walk/hike whenever possible.  If I am feeling able, I’d still like to go on my hike that I have planned for Saturday, but again it’s all in how the next few days plan out.

One of the hardest things for me to hear is that I’m not allowed to do what I want to do.  And since what I want to do seems to be pushing my body too far, I am stuck hearing the hardest thing for me to hear.

I’ll be back with a full update tomorrow.  Hopefully the doctor will have some good news.

Later Days,

-Jenni



After an extended vacation from my daily trips, I hate the gym.  I hated it yesterday and I’m probably going to hate it today.  I also hate that I’m starving right now and I’m not supposed to eat for at least another hour.  Basically, I’m just in a hating mood today. 

But in a positive light… I am looking forward to this weekend.  Two out-of-town trips in which I will probably see two of my most favorite people.  That is something to look forward to.  Furthermore, even if I do hate the gym right now, I am looking forward to starting Insanity again.  I am also looking forward to things I am not at liberty to discuss on this blog… get your mind out of the gutter, people, it’s nothing like that.

I am hoping to add some yoga to my workout this afternoon depending on how I feel.  I know that I am going to have to find a way to keep stretched out once I add Insanity back into the mix.  I am hoping that I will do Insanity Thursday – Tuesday, then have a “rest” day on Wednesday.  During my rest day I am going to try to add in a bit of extra cardio in the form of biking at the gym.  I will also be taking advantage of the sauna at the gym whenever possible, which will probably be two to three times a week.  If money permits, I am also considering adding a hot yoga class (I’ve been talking about it for months, and I finally found one…so I just need to do it).  I think the hot yoga will definitely keep my muscles feeling fresh, and any extra yoga during the week will just reinforce that fact.  I am mostly adding the extra cardio at the gym to allow myself to feel like I am still getting my money’s worth while I am doing most of my working out at home. 

I might also consider setting extra goals within my Insanity regime and rewarding myself accordingly.  Like if I improve by so much on the fit Test every two weeks, I can treat myself to a groupon massage.  I have my little 190lb. spa day planned, but that will be at home.  I need something that involves professionals to look forward to as well.

This unorganized post was brought to you by extreme boredom and avoidance of grown-up tasks.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 2, 2013}   04.02.2013 – Mega Update

First, and foremost, I passed the General Knowledge Exam!  Now, on to the Professional Education Test, which I am hoping to take around the middle of May.  Being done with math (again) is a huge weight off my shoulders and it gives me more time to focus on new fitness goals. 

I started my 85% vegetarian journey this week and it is going quite well.  I am currently trying o cut down to only having meat with one meal per day.  This might become a problem as I run low on food, but I did realize that I have more veggie burgers hanging out in my freezer than I originally thought.  Other than my lack of spending money to go towards food this month, I’m doing okay on that front.  It might be a little less fresh fruits and veggies compared to the frozen options, but I think my body will survive a month of the lesser options.  Once I’m finished with what’s in my freezer, there will be more room for the super healthy options.  I am currently reading The Kind Diet, which is more informative than I originally gave it credit.  Not only informative, I love that it is written in a positive and uplifting light, a far cry from Skinny Bitch, a book that suggests the same plant-based diet but with a sharper tongue.

Along with my vegetarian journey, I have a few fitness goals to add to my list as well. 

1. As I have already mentioned, I want to use this summer to learn how to swim.  My major goal is to start participating in triathalons, but I need to get the actual learning process out-of-the-way before I can start looking at swimming as a valid exercise.  Right now it just consists of me flapping around in the water and trying not to drown.  This goal can be reached through private swimming lessons that are offered at the Lakeland Civic Center pool.  Done and done.

2. My second goal involves investing in a bike.  In preparation for the triathalons that I hope to add to my agenda next year, I need to start focusing on biking as its own sport.  This will involve getting a bike and riding on a normal basis.  While I am living at home, I will be able to use the Fort Frasier Trail.  once I move to Winter Haven, I will be able to bike to and from the gym and my apartment.  I’m not badass enough to bike to work…and even if I could handle the distance traffic would scare me off the road. 

3.  The final goal, which I am able to start this month, is to complete the 60-Day Insanity challenge.  I have the program mapped out, starting next Thursday.  This will involve a lot more updates from me in terms of measurements, weight, and how I am feeling.  I tried the program a couple of years ago and had to stop due to my knee.  This time, I am planning to focus on what my body is telling me and taking breaks when I know I need to stop.  I am going to try to add a few gym trips a week to this plan, but just for extra cardio.  And I am planning on staying off the treadmill in order to keep my joints comfortable.

More updates to come.  I’m back in the gym for the first time in two weeks this afternoon.  Wish me luck!

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Well, I’m finally doing it this summer.  I’m making plans and saving money for something I’ve needed to do since I was a little girl.  I am finally going to learn how to swim.  During the summer months I am thinking that swimming is going to be the best exercise to improve my cardio and overall fitness.  It also is going to help me work towards my ultimate goal of completing a triathlon.  My next investment along those lines will be a good bike, but that will come in time.

In other news, I am trying not to eat the cookies that I made for the students…but I’m a good cook.

I’m jumping back on the health bandwagon tomorrow…promise.  The past two days have been bad, and I apologize for indulging in all this awesome food.  But I think you would do the same thing, so yeah…

Later Days,

-Jenni



et cetera