Run Jenni, Run











{May 13, 2013}   05.13.2013 – Part Two

I am having a bad day.  I’m unhappy, and I don’t know what would make me happy again.  Well, I do know what would make me happy, but it feels entirely unattainable at this point.  

I can remember when I could get on a scale and it would say 185.  I was happy at that weight.  It may have been a completely fucked up and emotionally disturbing time in my life, but that number meant everything to me.  Because that number was the result of a journey that was several years in the making.  That was me at 100 pounds less than I was in high school.  And I would give anything to get that number back.  And that sentence scares me.  Feeling the need to do anything to get a number back seems a bit ridiculous.  And more so than feeling ridiculous, it is causing an internal battle with myself.

I don’t know how to do moderate.  I have always been the type of person who is highly restrictive in her eating habits or binges on every sweet that she can get her hands on.  And I feel like that is how I have been living for the past several years.  I’ll restrict, restrict, restrict, until I can’t take it anymore and I end up eating an entire cake by myself.  And I laugh it off, and my friends laugh it off, and my family says “that’s just the way you’re made” or “you just need to splurge every now and then”.  But that isn’t healthy for me.  Going from 1000 calories one day to upwards of 3000 the next is dangerously unhealthy, and I’m getting to where I’ll do it on a normal basis.

I was so happy when I went to the doctor because I thought that finally someone would see the problems that I’m going through without me having to spell them out.  I was all set up to find a nutritionist that was going to help me figure out my bad eating habits and get me on track to having a healthy relationship with food.  And then Insurance got in the way.  “You cannot have a visit to a nutritionist through our company covered since you have a wellness program set up through your employer”.  I hid it, but I was crushed.  and I know that my therapist would say crushed is an “irrational” word, but that is how I felt.  I covered it up with finding the fitness program for the summer through the school board, but I really hated that I could not get the one thing I thought I really needed.

And now I’m stuck,

I am working through therapy, but I’m not feeling any better about my appearance.  I can read self-help and diet books until I’ve spent my life savings on them, but nothing seems to help.  I feel broken and all I want to do is cry because as much as I am putting on a facade of eating healthy and trying to lose weight, nothing is happening.  As much as I exude “confidence”, if there has been any movement on the scale it has been in a upward direction.  And I’ve given the muscle weighs more than fat talk as many times as I have received it, and I just feel like it does not apply in this case.  I have excess fat to lose.  I have lost it before.  So, it’s not muscle.  It’s just more fat.  

It’s so hard to change when you have all the answers, you just don’t know how to use them. I feel like I am so good at motivating others.  I can remember last summer when someone came up to me after a race and they told me I was their “timer”.  I was the person that motivated them to keep running.  When they wanted to stop, they were focused on trying to pass me.  That is kickass.  Now all I can think about is what they would think if they ran a race with me now.  After the ending of my relationship last summer I just kind of let myself go.  I didn’t go as far as some other people do when they end relationships, but I lost my fitness.  I lost my 33 minute 5k time.  I’ve gained close to 40 pounds.  And I never saw the problem while it was happening because I was hiding behind vices.  It’s easy to convince yourself tht nothing is wrong when you have people telling you that you’re beautiful…even if it is for the wrong reasons.  

Now I have a good relationship.  I have a great relationship with a guy that is pushing me to be better.  I just wish I believed him when he told me I was beautiful.  Sure, I have days where I believe it.  I just wish that I could believe it every time.  

Later Days,

-Jenni.

Advertisements


I am feeling my case of the Mondays, and I am hoping this weather clears up by tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait until Summer really kicks into high-gear.  As a Floridian, we don’t really ghet a Spring, so it’s Summer and Less-Like-Summer.  While I have enjoyed cooler temperatures, I am tired of the rain. 

This week, I am not only trying to stay on track with my exercise, but I am implementing healthier eating back into the program.  As much as I hate keeping track of my food with journals and calorie-couting, it’s the only way that I can effectively lose weight.  so while it may not be as measured as before, I am going to start journaling my food again.  Blegh.

Workout Set-Up for o5/13-05/19

Monday- 30 Day Shred, Levels one and two; Soccer Drills 

Tuesday- 30 Day Shred, Level two; Run

Wednesday- Soccer Drills with mini-workout; Flow Yoga

Thursday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice through); Hill Run

Friday- 30 Day Shred, Level two, twice

Saturday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice or adding second DVD workout); Run

Sunday- 30 Day Shred, Levels two and three; Soccer Drills

I am boring today.  And hungry.  I’m hungry.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Sometimes I get bored and plan out my entire workout schedule through the end of the year… and that happened this morning. 

Due to wedding dates, I have had to give up on a few races and change around a few plans.  It actually has not been as mentally difficult as I expected it to be and I am mostly glad that I realized I needed to change dates before I had paid for the races.  I still have somthing to do every month, but it’s definitely a change from the original.  My new race list still includes the Watermelon Series over the summer and the Aching Quad for my birthday, but I have cut down the October race from the Living Dead Challenge to just the Frakenfooter half marathon on October 27.  November will be changes from the Lake to Lake 10k to a mud race.  I finally found one that is nearby and not a ridiculous amount of money (in my opinion, anyways).  For December I cut out the second half marathon and am just planning for the one in Orlando the first weekend of the month.  It’s a slightly easier schedule and it allows for a little more free time to play aournd with other workout plans.

I am still planning on adding some random gym time in the summer due to a free membership as a perk of being a School Board employee.  The only priority of this will be the Wednesday Nutrition and Fitness classes.  I do have plans to visit the gym, but this summer will be focused on improving my 5k time and working through a few DVD programs.  As previously mentioned, May is dedicated to 30 Day Shred.  So far, I am definitely feeling it, but actual results remain to be seen.  In June I am upping the stakes with two DVD programs: Six Week Six Pack and Ripped in 30.  I will be working on Level One of Six Week Six Pack for the enire month of June, then moving up to Level Two during July.  Once July hits, I will finish up Ripped in 30 and dedicate more time to my free gym pass and yoga.  August will consist of a lot of Bob Harper as I alternete his Pure Strength workout with his Kettlebell workout to add in some strength that does not involve the gym.  August will also mark the point at which I add in more yoga to my routine, adding Monday and Friday evenings to my yofa class load.  By October I will be in full running mode, planning for the half marathon at the end of the month.  At this point, I am going to evealuate my fitness level.  If I decide I am well enough, both physically and mentally, I am planning to attempt Insanity for the third time.  If I start at the end of October, I will be able to complete the entire program by December 31, 2013… which is a great way to start off the new year. 

As always, this is subject to change according to ability and functionality… but I am hoping this plan sticks. 

 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Two days into 30 Day Shred and my legs are feeling it, for sure.  I was impressed that I had the ability to run as much as I did last night.  The boyfriend is actually finding ways to encourage me without making me feel so bad about being slow as snails.  I finished a 5k course in around 40 minutes, which is widely attributed to the fact that I cannot run fast and I need to invest in new running shoes.  These are over a year old and definitely out of commission.

Tonight will consist of some simple soccer drills and a flow yoga class that I am more than looking forward to this week.  I didn’t make it to the class last week, so I’m definitely feeling a little less than zen.  Surprisingly, I have been in a better mood this week.  I’m sure that can be contributed to the exercise that I have shoved back into my daily routine, but it’s always nice to feel better about where my life is headed. 

My second test for teaching certification is this Friday, and I am anxious and excited.  I am trying to stay confident about doing well on the test, but I really haven’t study as much as I could have in the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully all will go well.  I have been getting a good amount of “hands-on” teaching experience, so hopefully that will be reflected in my test scores.

The rest of this week consists of a lot of 30 Day Shred and a lot of running (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).  Friday I might go for more walking than running, but it’s all in how I feel when the time comes. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.

 



I am getting back on track because this free fall has gone on long enough.  I am back to my lovely workout schedule where I fit as much in as I can without dying.  I have figured my main problem last time was not amount of work I was doing, it was the amount of food I wasn’t eating.  Lack of keeping with my minimum daily caloric needs caused low energy levels and a lot of binge days where I was supplementing lost calories with entire pans of brownies and boston cream pie.  Instead, I’m going to be making my own trail mix for snacking during the day and eating nutritional meals for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  And if I want a snack, I’m going to give myself some wiggle room.  It’s better to eat a little chocolate or go buy a single-serve brownie than to cook the entire pan and eat it in one sitting…after you try to combat the craving with foods that are not satisfying and just as bad as empty calories from soda.  Really, if you aren’t enjoying what you put in your body, what’s the point?

Yesterday I started 30-Day Shred, and I am planning to finish 30 rounds of it before the end of the month of May.  This will require a few days of “doubling” or “tripling” up, but those days are coming later.  While I might have the next four months heavily planned out, including fall-back plans, I am trying to focus on just one week at a time when it comes to blogging and my actual calendar that I see when I wake up each morning. 

05-06 through 05-12

Monday: 30 Day Shred

Tuesday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Wednesday: Flow

Thursday: 30 Day Shred, Hill Run

Friday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Saturday: 30 Day Shred, Run

Sunday: 30 Day Shred, Yoga

Wednesdays will forever be known as my “Zen” day and I will only do yoga on those days unless I feel like otherwise supplementing it with a short run or bike ride.  If I end up in Winter Haven in the future I may chose to ride my bike to Yoga practice during the week.  It’s all up in the air, as I don’t want to plan too far ahead.  But I am feeling confident that everything will work out…eventually.

Later Days,

-Jenni



I am trying so hard to be happy, you have to believe me.  I am trying to center myself and make choices that are going to make me smile, but it’s just so hard.  I do have the Taylor Swift album streaming, which is giving me some good feels, but not many.  Hopefully this afternoon will turn me in a more positive direction.

I am supposed to be volunteering at Fitniche this evening as we prepare for Mayfaire by the Lake on Saturday.  It’s an evening race, and I am looking forward to being someone cheering on all the finishers on Saturday night.  I am also looking forward to two yoga session this weekend…one on Wednesday night and then Karma Yoga on Sunday morning.  My regular Tuesday and Thursday runs are also going ot be making a comeback this week.  I also might add in 30-Day Shred in the afternoons, just to give me an extra little aerobic push.  I wish I had the gusto to wake up early and do it before work..but no.

I do better when I am fit, so that is my mantra for this week.  I must remember that fitness equals happiness. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{April 13, 2013}   04.13.2013 – Insomnia

Insomnia is such a fail…but it leads to late night blogging.  That’s when all the best blogging occurs, right?

I should be sleeping since I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning, but I’m never much of a sleeper when my mind has a lot to think about. And the past two days have left me with a lot to think about.  I have also revised my workout plan twice since yesterday, which is always fun and probably a bit psychotic.  Basically, I’m keeping Insanity in the mix, but I’m alternating it with Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper, and trips to the gym.  I also am going to focus on some yoga practice, if only on the weekends.  I am not at a point in my life where I feel like doing yoga every day, but it definitely is something that I know keeps my muscles healthy and it doesn’t hurt that I love showing off my hella awesome flexibility.

If I like hot yoga, I’ll probably keep it to twice a month for money purposes until I get a better job that allows for a few more frivolous spending choices.  I am hoping that the two yoga classes I am looking to attend will connect me with some fitness types in my area that will in turn open doors to newer fitness options.   I am still self-conscious, and I can’t see myself meeting up with people in hopes of keeping up to their fitness level, but it is something I see in my future.  Hopefully this future will come sooner than later.  I am going to need a lot of distractions from boredom this summer.

I’ve gotten distracted and this post has become pointless.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Today at 3:40 in the afternoon I ate a quick PB wrap and checked my mail.

By 4:00, I was getting ready to start Insanity with a major chip on my shoulder.  The chip on my shoulder was something that someone from my past life had posted about her weight loss success.  What most people don’t connect is the fact that she has most likely reached that success in very unhealthy ways (i.e. It’s easy to lose weight when you’re spending your grocery money on drugs).

At 5:00, I collapsed in my kitchen for reasons that I am not fully aware of.  The most likely reasons include the combination of all the stress I’ve been feeling lately mixed with my decrease in calories by at least 1000 per day…and the fact that I let someone else’s life get to me.  And in reality, I am always letting someone else’s life get to me.  There is always going to be someone who has it better, someone skinnier or richer.  There is nothing I can do to change that, because even my best self is going to have an enemy.

So, I have decided to rethink my goals.  Not my major goals.  I would still like to lose weight and I would still like to get as fit as I possibly can.  But I am rethinking how I am going about doing this.  I still want to do Insanity, but it might be better to cut it down to three or so days a week.  I am not completely 100% on this change, but it’s probably going to happen whether I want to or not.

I will basically be switching to my summer workout plan before summer actually gets here.  Which is Insanity, gym, and running.  I would be throwing Hills back into the mix, which might actually help me because it would get me doing something socially again.  That was something I used to look forward to, and I let it drop away so quickly again.  It’s always the first thing I bump off my list, but then I realize that it is one of the things that I need.  In adding Hills back into the mix, I will probably need to invest in some running shoe, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  Insanity will be done Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Thursdays will be reserved for running.  The other days will be gym or some other form of fitness.  I am still planning on checking out the Karma Yoga class on Sunday, and I am hoping that will fall into my routine.  I will cross the Hot Yoga bridge when I come to it in May.  I should be straightened out by then, so I don’t see why it isn’t something I could add.  Saturday or Sunday I will probably add a run or walk/hike whenever possible.  If I am feeling able, I’d still like to go on my hike that I have planned for Saturday, but again it’s all in how the next few days plan out.

One of the hardest things for me to hear is that I’m not allowed to do what I want to do.  And since what I want to do seems to be pushing my body too far, I am stuck hearing the hardest thing for me to hear.

I’ll be back with a full update tomorrow.  Hopefully the doctor will have some good news.

Later Days,

-Jenni



{January 27, 2013}   01.27.2013 – Off Day

When I woke up and realized it was below 50 degrees outside, I decided a morning run would not be on my list of things to do today.  Instead, I popped in Jillian Michaels Killer Buns and Thighs and suffered through a workout DVD before heading to the boyfriend’s house to hang out before he had to go to work.  I say “suffered through” because I have been really out off by workout DVDs lately.  I guess it is just the constant trips to gym or running club that have me avoiding my own living room, but you just can’t get me out of the house quick enough when it comes to workouts.  After  a short chill session, I headed out to Circle B to throw a trail run into today.  I knew that today was not going to produce the seven mils run that I had on the books, but I jogged around for about an hour and called it accomplished.

I call this an off day, but I really feel like I have been having an off weekend.  First, and foremost, my birth control has been screwing up all of my lady issues (TMI, I know…but whatever).  And I honestly don’t know if it is just my body getting used to a change of atmosphere or if I am one of the lucky few percentages that cannot take birth control pills.  this goes from being no big deal to stressing me out within minutes every day.  I am otherwise okay, no major appetite changes and no continuous mood changes… just some random stress cravings when I start over-thinking everything.

To add to the stress of that, my mind has been wandering all kinds of places lately.  I just have been feeling dark, and there isn’t much of a reason for why I am feeling this way.  I have no reason to harp on any parts of my past.  I am in a great relationship with a guy who treats me the way I always imagined I should be treated.  I am one lucky girl ;).

The trail run helped to clear my head, but I can only take my mind off of things with so much exercise before it becomes a physical problem.

Now I’m just rambling.

Maybe a nap will help.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



et cetera