Run Jenni, Run











{May 13, 2013}   05.13.2013 – Part Two

I am having a bad day.  I’m unhappy, and I don’t know what would make me happy again.  Well, I do know what would make me happy, but it feels entirely unattainable at this point.  

I can remember when I could get on a scale and it would say 185.  I was happy at that weight.  It may have been a completely fucked up and emotionally disturbing time in my life, but that number meant everything to me.  Because that number was the result of a journey that was several years in the making.  That was me at 100 pounds less than I was in high school.  And I would give anything to get that number back.  And that sentence scares me.  Feeling the need to do anything to get a number back seems a bit ridiculous.  And more so than feeling ridiculous, it is causing an internal battle with myself.

I don’t know how to do moderate.  I have always been the type of person who is highly restrictive in her eating habits or binges on every sweet that she can get her hands on.  And I feel like that is how I have been living for the past several years.  I’ll restrict, restrict, restrict, until I can’t take it anymore and I end up eating an entire cake by myself.  And I laugh it off, and my friends laugh it off, and my family says “that’s just the way you’re made” or “you just need to splurge every now and then”.  But that isn’t healthy for me.  Going from 1000 calories one day to upwards of 3000 the next is dangerously unhealthy, and I’m getting to where I’ll do it on a normal basis.

I was so happy when I went to the doctor because I thought that finally someone would see the problems that I’m going through without me having to spell them out.  I was all set up to find a nutritionist that was going to help me figure out my bad eating habits and get me on track to having a healthy relationship with food.  And then Insurance got in the way.  “You cannot have a visit to a nutritionist through our company covered since you have a wellness program set up through your employer”.  I hid it, but I was crushed.  and I know that my therapist would say crushed is an “irrational” word, but that is how I felt.  I covered it up with finding the fitness program for the summer through the school board, but I really hated that I could not get the one thing I thought I really needed.

And now I’m stuck,

I am working through therapy, but I’m not feeling any better about my appearance.  I can read self-help and diet books until I’ve spent my life savings on them, but nothing seems to help.  I feel broken and all I want to do is cry because as much as I am putting on a facade of eating healthy and trying to lose weight, nothing is happening.  As much as I exude “confidence”, if there has been any movement on the scale it has been in a upward direction.  And I’ve given the muscle weighs more than fat talk as many times as I have received it, and I just feel like it does not apply in this case.  I have excess fat to lose.  I have lost it before.  So, it’s not muscle.  It’s just more fat.  

It’s so hard to change when you have all the answers, you just don’t know how to use them. I feel like I am so good at motivating others.  I can remember last summer when someone came up to me after a race and they told me I was their “timer”.  I was the person that motivated them to keep running.  When they wanted to stop, they were focused on trying to pass me.  That is kickass.  Now all I can think about is what they would think if they ran a race with me now.  After the ending of my relationship last summer I just kind of let myself go.  I didn’t go as far as some other people do when they end relationships, but I lost my fitness.  I lost my 33 minute 5k time.  I’ve gained close to 40 pounds.  And I never saw the problem while it was happening because I was hiding behind vices.  It’s easy to convince yourself tht nothing is wrong when you have people telling you that you’re beautiful…even if it is for the wrong reasons.  

Now I have a good relationship.  I have a great relationship with a guy that is pushing me to be better.  I just wish I believed him when he told me I was beautiful.  Sure, I have days where I believe it.  I just wish that I could believe it every time.  

Later Days,

-Jenni.

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I am feeling my case of the Mondays, and I am hoping this weather clears up by tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait until Summer really kicks into high-gear.  As a Floridian, we don’t really ghet a Spring, so it’s Summer and Less-Like-Summer.  While I have enjoyed cooler temperatures, I am tired of the rain. 

This week, I am not only trying to stay on track with my exercise, but I am implementing healthier eating back into the program.  As much as I hate keeping track of my food with journals and calorie-couting, it’s the only way that I can effectively lose weight.  so while it may not be as measured as before, I am going to start journaling my food again.  Blegh.

Workout Set-Up for o5/13-05/19

Monday- 30 Day Shred, Levels one and two; Soccer Drills 

Tuesday- 30 Day Shred, Level two; Run

Wednesday- Soccer Drills with mini-workout; Flow Yoga

Thursday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice through); Hill Run

Friday- 30 Day Shred, Level two, twice

Saturday- 30 Day Shred, Level two (option of doing twice or adding second DVD workout); Run

Sunday- 30 Day Shred, Levels two and three; Soccer Drills

I am boring today.  And hungry.  I’m hungry.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Sometimes I get bored and plan out my entire workout schedule through the end of the year… and that happened this morning. 

Due to wedding dates, I have had to give up on a few races and change around a few plans.  It actually has not been as mentally difficult as I expected it to be and I am mostly glad that I realized I needed to change dates before I had paid for the races.  I still have somthing to do every month, but it’s definitely a change from the original.  My new race list still includes the Watermelon Series over the summer and the Aching Quad for my birthday, but I have cut down the October race from the Living Dead Challenge to just the Frakenfooter half marathon on October 27.  November will be changes from the Lake to Lake 10k to a mud race.  I finally found one that is nearby and not a ridiculous amount of money (in my opinion, anyways).  For December I cut out the second half marathon and am just planning for the one in Orlando the first weekend of the month.  It’s a slightly easier schedule and it allows for a little more free time to play aournd with other workout plans.

I am still planning on adding some random gym time in the summer due to a free membership as a perk of being a School Board employee.  The only priority of this will be the Wednesday Nutrition and Fitness classes.  I do have plans to visit the gym, but this summer will be focused on improving my 5k time and working through a few DVD programs.  As previously mentioned, May is dedicated to 30 Day Shred.  So far, I am definitely feeling it, but actual results remain to be seen.  In June I am upping the stakes with two DVD programs: Six Week Six Pack and Ripped in 30.  I will be working on Level One of Six Week Six Pack for the enire month of June, then moving up to Level Two during July.  Once July hits, I will finish up Ripped in 30 and dedicate more time to my free gym pass and yoga.  August will consist of a lot of Bob Harper as I alternete his Pure Strength workout with his Kettlebell workout to add in some strength that does not involve the gym.  August will also mark the point at which I add in more yoga to my routine, adding Monday and Friday evenings to my yofa class load.  By October I will be in full running mode, planning for the half marathon at the end of the month.  At this point, I am going to evealuate my fitness level.  If I decide I am well enough, both physically and mentally, I am planning to attempt Insanity for the third time.  If I start at the end of October, I will be able to complete the entire program by December 31, 2013… which is a great way to start off the new year. 

As always, this is subject to change according to ability and functionality… but I am hoping this plan sticks. 

 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Two days into 30 Day Shred and my legs are feeling it, for sure.  I was impressed that I had the ability to run as much as I did last night.  The boyfriend is actually finding ways to encourage me without making me feel so bad about being slow as snails.  I finished a 5k course in around 40 minutes, which is widely attributed to the fact that I cannot run fast and I need to invest in new running shoes.  These are over a year old and definitely out of commission.

Tonight will consist of some simple soccer drills and a flow yoga class that I am more than looking forward to this week.  I didn’t make it to the class last week, so I’m definitely feeling a little less than zen.  Surprisingly, I have been in a better mood this week.  I’m sure that can be contributed to the exercise that I have shoved back into my daily routine, but it’s always nice to feel better about where my life is headed. 

My second test for teaching certification is this Friday, and I am anxious and excited.  I am trying to stay confident about doing well on the test, but I really haven’t study as much as I could have in the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully all will go well.  I have been getting a good amount of “hands-on” teaching experience, so hopefully that will be reflected in my test scores.

The rest of this week consists of a lot of 30 Day Shred and a lot of running (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).  Friday I might go for more walking than running, but it’s all in how I feel when the time comes. 

Later Days,

-Jenni.

 



{April 18, 2013}   04.18.2013 – What to Do?

I am no good without a plan.  And while I have a tendency to over plan, I need something to look forward to each week.  I need something that I know is on my list of things to do that will make me desire to eat healthier.  Because I am faced with this dilemma, I am starting back at my running clubs.  Running was my first exercise live, and I need to reunite with it.

I hoped this day would come.  I fell out of love with running at the beginning of this year.  I was consumed with going to the gym every day and seeing the results that every other person sees.  But I was craving the wrong things and having a lot of disordered eating troubles, so I did not see the significant changes that I dreamed of.  And I remember my body feeling better when I was part of my weekly runs.  I can’t remember what the scales said, but I do remember feeling like my body was working with me rather than against me.

Of course, I could never cut out the gym completely.  I am looking forward to focus on simple strength training with a few compound moves two to three times a week.  I don’t want to overdo it to the point that I’m feeling lethargic on run days, which is what I think happened in the beginning of the year.

I am trying not to look too far into the future, but I am thinking of adding crossfit and yoga to the mix.  My main focus right now is to spend at least a few weeks, and possibly a month, getting used to a routine of just running and going to the gym.    I have a million ideas running through my head for all the different races I have planned (I’ve found a more economic cluster to keep me racing at least once a month until the end of October), but I need to work on the baby steps that will get me successfully to my goals.  I don’t wanna burn out like I did last time I was trying to train for a half-marathon.

My runs as of right now will include a 5k route on Tuesday evenings, a Hill workout on Thursday evenings, and a 3-mile run on Saturday mornings.  These are all with different groups throughout Lakeland, and I’m hoping the people will overlap.  I love my Thursday Hills group that I’ve been a part of for a couple of years, but the other two will be completely new to me.

More updates later.  Looking forward to my return to Hills tonight…even if I only get through one or two before I pass out.  I know the group will drag me back to the car and douse me with Gatorade.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{March 21, 2013}   03.21.2013 – Better

I am happy to say that I am completely back on my feet today.  I am over the worst of the flu and back to school, which is a good change of pace from the boring that comes with being resigned to bedrest all day.  I was just thankful I was still able to get some yoga in while I wasn’t feeling 100 percent.  I was hoping to make it to the gym this afternoon, but I’m thinking that I might just call it a day after work and catch up on sleep.  While I have been getting back to normal, my parents are both still pretty sick and my dad is having a tendency to wake me up at 430 in the morning with his hour-long coughing spells.  This has me running on about 4 hours today, which is partially my fault…but ya know.

It’s obviously been a very laid back week when it comes to exercise, but I have actually remained decently healthy, especially compared to how I usually eat when I am sick.  I have upped my carb-intake, but that is something I was working on before I even got sick.  Starting refreshed next week after I’m well will definitely be in my game plan.  I have decided to cut down on sweets rather than cut them out completely.  While it is awesome, and I am impressed by anyone who can quit a food group “cold turkey”, I am not that type of eater, and I need to weed it out one small problem at a time.  My goals is to get where I have moderated my sweet intake enough that I don’t feel bad about myself when I do indulge.

Starting in April, I am considering starting Insanity again.  I think it would be a good way to round out the school year.  I would modify it a bit, probably cutting down on too much plyo, but still doing a less explosive version of the move to save my joints ant unwanted/unneeded pain, but I think I can get most of it done.  I would also still want to get at least one or two days in the gym for some alternative cardio (most likely biking, but elliptical if it fit my mood).  My main reasoning for that is I don’t want to nix my gym membership, but I don’t want to be paying $20 a month for something I never use.  If I can get at least 5-6 gym trips a month, I will feel like my money is not being wasted.  If it cost more per month I would probably put the membership on hold, but $20 isn’t too much to complain about, and I enjoy Wednesday afternoon bike ride and sauna trips.  This entire plan will be mapped out more once I get my Insanity DVDs back from my friend and after Spring Break is over.

In personal news, I am looking forward to taking the GKE next month, hopefully.  I have been studying math, which I hate.  I just need to write a few practice essays to refresh my skills and register for the test (which I will do at the beginning of April).  Hopefully, this will go as well as I am willing it to in my mind.

That’s all for now, I will try to send an update tomorrow to give an overview of Spring Break plans.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



I have lots planned for this weekend, starting with a trip to visit one of the besties as soon as school is out this afternoon.  I have been dreaming of this trip for over a month now because I have been dying to go to the beach for over a month, and the day is finally here!

Other than the beach, I will be kicking it with some other friends at a Battle of the Bands in Ybor on Saturday night.  Whether I’m crashing in Tampa that evening is undecided at this point, but it’s going to be pretty awesome.   

My eating and working out this week has been less than ideal, which is why there has been a lack of daily updates.  It wasn’t too bad, but I was trying to feed my need for sweets with carbs all week.  This has been further proof that I don’t think I could ever be burnt out on bread.  I also don’t think I could ever go on that “Gluten-Free Diet” that I’m always thinking about.

I will try to get an update in sometime this weekend, and I will definitely be on track starting next week.  It’s only two weeks before the big trip, and I am failing to reach any of my goals.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{February 20, 2013}   02.20.2013 – Restart

The holidays always seem to do me in, especially when they involve traveling.  I always plan to keep it somewhat healthy, and I fail every time.  Valentine’s Day was no exception to this rule.  If anything, it was probably one of the worst 180’s I have done over a holiday period that only is supposed to last a day.  I could blame the fact that Valentine’s Day turned into a weekend affair that included a last-minute trip to Heavy and Light on Monday evening, where I indulged in fast food for the first time in at least three months.  I could do that, but I know that the majority of the choices were done because I thought I could get away with it.  It’s like I get it inside my head that calories don’t count over the holidays.

But alas, the calories always count, and my lack of exercise had me feeling sluggish at the gym yesterday.  I did about 5 miles on the stationary bike and called it a day, no strength training at all.  This was a major fail on my part, and it will be remedied this afternoon.  While the movie selection at the gym this week is particularly lacking, I am hoping to get some major strength training done today, and perhaps a few miles on the bike.  Being Wednesday, it is a day to focus on the upper body, but I will probably throw in a few squats and other leg moves.  I have discovered that some of the weight machines are more enjoyable than one might be led to believe. 

As for the restart headline, I am restarting my healthy plans this week, focusing on weightloss more than I did while I was getting accumulated to the gym.  I am at a current weight of 210, and I have a goal weight of 160.  I have lingered around my current weight for at least a couple of years now, and I am ready to get rid of the final fifty.  I know this will take the type of dedication I have to dig down deep for, but I am hoping that my small group of supporters will be enough to push me across the finish line.  In order to do this, I will be uping my gym workouts every few weeks and following the rules of Bob Harper’s The Skinny Rules.  It should be noted that I am slowly working on the “no carbs after 2 rule”.  I’m trying, but it’s all a matter of keeping low carb snacks around the house for when I get home from work and finding protein supplements with low carbs.  I’ll do an update next Wednesday on how this is going. 

Tomorrow will be a gym day instead of running, as I am planning to attend an open house at Southeastern University.  Hopefully that goes well and doesn’t turn everything I want to do upside down…but let’s be honest, it probably will.

Later Days,

-Jenni.



{February 8, 2013}   02.08.2013 – A Running Break

I have decided to put running on the back burner for a bit.  I will still be attending my Hill Workouts every week, but I’m cutting out speed work and most of my long runs.  This isn’t to say I’m going to be a lazy bum on days I would usually run, I am just choosing to add in a bit more variety/more gym time to my week.  On Saturdays, I plan to start checking out Crossfit at Lake Mirror, which offers a free class on Saturday mornings.  I’m already signed up for this Saturday, and I plan to attend with an even mix of nerves and excitement.  I am hoping that this will get me into Crossfit on a more normal basis and I can either join a consistent class or just get comfortable with doing the moves on my own. 

In place of Tuesday speed work I will be adding a gym workout that focuses heavily on my legs.  While I didn’t think this was possible (I’m more of an arm girl at the gym), I knocked out two hours at the gym yesterday, focusing on wall sits and squats.  This definitely left me burning by the end of my session.  Adding small bursts of cardio will also help my metabolism, which I am really looking forward to. 

I need to throw together a workout for this afternoon, I had one..but I’m thinking of changing it up a bit.  Fitness class will either be yoga or kickboxing, I’m hoping they go for yoga.  I need a break from the craziness if I’m going to push myself this afternoon at the gym.  We shall see.  🙂

 

Later Days,

-Jenni.



Yesterday, I did less than half of what I had planned at the gym.  However, I still banked 11 miles on a stationary bike and a couple quad workouts. 

Quad #1: Sumo squat into high raise with Kettlebell, Butt Kick, Skull crushers, Side twisting sit-up

Quad #2: Right/Left Lunge with tricep-kickback, Alternating side-to-side lunges, Extended arm raise from a sit-up position, wall sit

It was enough that I was feeling it by the end of the workout, and that was good enough for me.  Plus, the boyfriend got off work early and was wanting to get some food.  I had instant hunger pangs, but I only ended up eating my roll and half of the massive omelet I made for dinner.  Most people would be disappointed in not finishing their plate, I find it strangely comforting that I am finally getting over my “starving kids in China” mentality.  I was told that so much as a kid that I hardly ever leave food on my plate, even at restaurants.  Because of that, I would end up consuming way more than my body wanted or needed at every meal.  

And it’s not like I wasted the food, the boyfriend said he would eat it with his leftover black bean burger.  Everybody wins.

I am trying to convince myself that running is a good idea tonight.  I feel like my desire for running comes and goes, and right now it is in a going phase.  I suppose as long as I am still finding some way to move then it isn’t a problem.  I just thought I would be running for the rest of my life…maybe I just need a break from it for a bit, or at least a cut back.  I have been focusing a lot on strength training at the gym, and it really seems to get me going more than when I know I have a track workout or something else that keeps me away from the gym. 

Maybe it’s time to finally start looking into Crossfit.

Later Days,

 -Jenni.



et cetera